FOUR SQUARE PEGS

The transition to high school is rarely one of ease.  For some of us I dare say it was a cold, lonely unhallowed hall of clicks and clubs, haves and have nots.  Those on the proverbial inside aligned shoulder to shoulder with those of us who were seemingly destined to remain on the out.

As if blind, we groped around in the darkness of our teen years searching to find a place we truly fit.  We were square pegs personified; square pegs amidst an ocean of round holes.  There were four of us:  Marty, Kim, Tina S., and yours truly.  Individually, I suppose we were precisely that; lost little square pegs.  But every square has four corners; when together we created our own square hole.  Together we were our own place of belonging; of fitting in.

I’d become friends with Tina soon after moving to Rossville, KS.  I still remember the hours of fun we shared dancing to music blaring from the jukebox in the basement of her family home, like the silly grade school girls we were.  Tina had a sense of justice; right and wrong were as clear as black and white to her.  She was strong; opinionated and outgoing.  Her smile lit up any room, as did the flash of lightening in her eyes at foul play.  She was one of the most loyal friends I'd ever have; I just didn't know it yet. 

Marty and I became closer friends as we hit Junior High.  She could beat up the boys, and I remember thinking how cool that made her.  Marty couldn’t stand seeing someone picked on. Her righteous indignation toward the cruel and unfair treatment of others is what initially endeared her to me, finding myself on the receiving end of merciless torture at the hands of one boy in particular. To be honest, the details are a bit hazy now, all but those of Marty coming to my rescue. From that day on, there was never a shadow of doubt in my mind that, should I ever find myself in a perilous situation, Marty would be there.  She always was.

It wasn’t until high school that I met Kim.   

Ahhhh, Kim.  Tough as nails, but a heart as big as the world.  I think what I liked the most about Kim was that she refused to be anything she was told she had to be.  Kim wasn't going to change who she was to make you like her.  Take her or leave her; though one might want to hurry up and decide. 

I was suspicious Kim struggled with the same insecurities I did.  Actually, I suspected Marty and Tina did, too.  If they did, they never let on.  They seemed to have a way of being who they were and making no apologies for it.  I admired that about them; was drawn to it in them.

Our Junior year, the four of us began to get really close; if close is measured by the amount of time spent together, which it isn’t.  We had some crazy times; probably did a few things we technically shouldn’t have done.  But we never did drugs, or much of anything our parents needed to know about.  Though I will admit, 5th hour Geography class was certainly a lot more bearable when the four of us had gone to lunch together.  That’s all I have to say about that!  

High School was particularly difficult for me.  Insidiously insecure, and not a clue of understanding how or why people could be so senselessly mean.  I was involved in several clubs, teams and activities.  I was never particularly good at any of them except for music, but the teachers and I seemed to constantly be at odds.  Compounded by typical high school heartache, it was a rough four years.

It wasn’t that I had no friends in school.  I did; had some great ones.  But there was something I found, and hopefully shared, in my friendships with Marty, Tina, & Kim that was difficult, if not impossible, to find within the walls of a High School.  I found acceptance; freedom to simply be "me" without fear of judgment or rejection.  Unconditional acceptance and unconditional love; the two most important things every person, certainly every teenager, needs.

We've all grown up gone our separate ways.  I was bad about staying in touch, and in the whirlwind of life managed to lose track.  For the record, I really regret that.  We had Class Reunions: 5yr, 10yr, 15, 20; just last month celebrated our 30yr Reunion.  No matter where I was living at the time, I went back; always hoping to see those three girls.  The girls who had completed a square hole for this square peg.  

I received word that Kim was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident yesterday.  Less than a month ago we were together at our Reunion; her laugh still so contagious.  Marty tracked Tina down, and the three of us met her outside the Reunion Hall. One last time, the four of us were together.  Marty, Kim, and I grieved for Tina; the struggles of life we saw etched on her face.  I marveled at the love we all still had for each other.  So many years had passed but nothing, not even the inability to spend time together, had changed the fact that we still loved each other unconditionally.

Many years have passed since we walked the halls of RHS.  We’ve grown up, and we’ve changed, but in some respects remained unmistakably the same.  It took many years to outgrow the insecurities that were so crippling to me when I was young.  We all struggle with things from time to time but for the most part, the ghosts are gone. 

I believe the courage to discover who I am and the strength to remain true to myself began all those years ago when three other square pegs accepted me, and unwittingly taught me to love and accept myself as unconditionally as I did them.

Though in death she has now been separated from us, Kim will forever be in our hearts, and her fingerprints eternally embedded in the foundation stones of our lives.  

Sleep comes to us all.  For some like my friend, Kim, it has come way too soon.  We will mourn our loss, grieve for her family; cry for ourselves.  Eventually we will surrender to the healing peace of God to bring comfort to our now aching hearts.  We will think back on our brief time together with new perspective; a reminiscent fondness of the good old days when we were young and knew so little of life.   

At the end of the matter, we will embrace the truth “love remains”.  

Rest in peace, Kim.