ALL THE KING'S HORSES - (BIPOLAR) PART VI

When I began this journey with Christen, I thought it would be easy to do a piece on people with bipolar disorder.  It was my goal to help put expression to the issues they deal with on a daily basis, and strengthen the bonds of support, patience, compassion, and understanding that friends and family have for their loved one(s) suffering from this disease.  The problem is, what I've learned about being bipolar doesn't fit into the neat little package I'd planned to wrap it in.

Little did I know what awaited me when I squeezed through
my friend’s door so many weeks ago.  I've learn how one-di-mensional the portrayals of every article and medical notation I'd ever read on bipolar had been.

Little did I know this chemical imbalance isn’t something you deal with on occasion, if and when it flares up.  Little did I know the symptoms of bipolar were always clawing like a
caged animal to escape, despite extraordinary attempts to
keep its affects contained.  I didn't know it was a never ending balancing act, a delicate calibration of medication, stress man-agement, and the sheer will to survive. Little did I know suffer-ers were struggling through the basic tasks of life that you and I so readily take for granted. 

So very little did I know.

During my stay with Christen, I had the opportunity to see changes in her cycles.  A cycle can vary from person-to-person, and even an individual can have varied patterns.  They can go from one end of the spectrum to the other in a matter of hours, days, weeks, or even months. 

Christen tends to struggle more intensely with the severe depression end of the pendulum.  She said she can get stuck in that part of the cycle for months.  Her worst depressive cycle lasted a little over six months; she was virtually incapacitated during that time.  She told me she became agoraphobic and lethargic, barely ate or drank anything.  She wasn’t able to care for herself or her home, and dealt with despair to the point of relentless suicidal ideations.  

I will note that under typical circumstances, someone suffering from that severe an onslaught of depression accompanied by thoughts of suicide, would most likely have been hospitalized for their protection.  I asked Christen why her doctor hadn’t put her in the hospital.  She explained she’d made it clear to her doctor if he did hospitalize her, she was far more likely to kill herself from the sheer terror and anxiety it invoked in her. She had devised an at-home safety plan for these times of severe depression.  A family member would come and stay with her until it was okay for her to be alone. 

This extreme depression cycle Christen experienced, took place shortly after she was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  Her doctor had not yet identified and perfected the best antidepressant(s) and mood stabilizer(s) for her.  Although she continues to battle bipolar depression, Christen has not experienced another episode anywhere near that severe.  It’s been almost three years. 

Through the course of our many conversations, Christen admitted she loves those initial stages of mania.  She confes-sed, when compared to her constant battle with depression,
“it’s like a breath of fresh air to actually have some energy
for a change.”  And added, “I know it’s probably wrong, but
it’s about the only time I feel alive.  I feel like I can take on the world, and actually win!  It’s amazing how much a person can get done when they’re just a pinch manic!  I know it sounds weird, but I’ve noticed time and again, that’s when I’m the most creative.  Isn’t that strange?” 

Christen’s offhanded comment about her increased creativity during her hypomania, sparked some curiosity in me.  Which part of the brain was being stimulated, and was soon to be-come dangerously overstimulated if she wasn’t careful.  Obvi-ously, there was a connection.  To be honest, Christen is one of the most creative people I’ve ever known. 

Suddenly I began to wonder if the chemical imbalance I’d per-ceived as such a two-headed monster in need of obliteration was in fact, the very essence of Christen’s artistic ability.  This begs the question, if Christen were totally free from all effects and imbalances of being bipolar, would we have killed every-thing in her that is poetic, artistic, and creative? If so, what would be left of Christen?



Join us next week for the conclusion of Christen's Story